Q: My ex husband almost always has his girlfriend sleep over when he has the kids, who are only 8 and 10. What can I do to make him stop?
A:This is a sensitive topic that requires face-to-face meeting with him. Stay calm and rational, and start by affirming his right to date. Then explain why your children shouldn’t be exposed to his personal life. Point out that they can quickly form attachments to girlfriends and feel hurt when they leave the scene, and that it’s inappropriate for him to have sex when they’re around, even behind closed doors. Share with him any comments the kids have made (”Mom, it’s so weird when Dad and his girlfriend disappear into the bedroom”). Then ask him to stop inviting his girlfriend over when the kids are there. If he refuses, talk with his friends and ask them to speak up for you. If he won’t change sufficiently and you feel it’s in your kids’ best interest, consult your about suspending his visitation rights.

This, on page 130 of Family Circle.

I’m aghast at the complete lack of boundaries, the inappropriate roles and lack of *parenting* advice offered here.

The reality in co-parenting is you have very little or no control or say over what happens “there”. Short of neglect or abuse, you do not have the right to comment on your ex’s personal life. In addition, to have the conversation this “expert” recommends, you declare open season on your own.

I’m not defending having a casual relationship “in front of the kids”. Certainly there are better choices to be made. But the Answer Expert assumes that the couple is having sex indiscriminately, assumes a morality as a standard that is not outlined.

The fact that the expert thinks suspending visitation rights is a viable option is frightening. Talking to his friends? I don’t think I could write a prescription for a more inappropriate action on the part of an ex spouse.

I’ve been on both sides of this bed fence. On the day my xh’s girlfriend was moving here from NC, we were all at a Little League game of my sons. I was trying to be positive for my kids, making it safe for them to like Susan. I asked if they had “exciting plans” for the day. My dd informed me that they were going to watch the game, go to Popeye’s “or something cheap” for lunch, that when they got back, “Daddy and Susan were going to take a nap” and they might see a movie later that night.

My outward response: “Oh. Sounds like a plan”.

My inward response? It doesn’t really matter. I gave up say when I told him to “go”. His plan for the weekend didn’t harm the kids. In addition, having a healthy, boundaried and objective conversation with him over his sexual relationship with his now wife was not an achievable goal.

Ex’s typically don’t behave the way we’d prefer. Let’s do our kids a favor and help them process the things that *are* an issue for them. While doing so, let’s have appropriate boundaries around the life choices, behavior of our ex spouses.

FTR, my personal standard for introducing someone to my kids was that we were exclusively dating and could see a permanent future. I couldn’t decide on that future until I saw him with my kids. I introduced my now husband to them after Christmas last year. He began spending lots of time here, with an air mattress upstairs or blankets on the couch.

I know most of you reading have never seen me. Until now, I’ve even been scarce with pictures.

I’ve lost 50 pounds since this time last year. I did so using a combination of divorce, bankruptcy and low carb. I recently joined Weight Watchers Online (Core) to lose the next 40 or thereabouts. My kids all call me “skinny mommy”. While I am a long way from skinny (and I do not have a desire to get there), my hourglass figure is looking leaner. What amazes me is that at my weight (187), I am still considered “obese”.

I never felt “obese”, although when I was at my highest of 226, I would accept the label. But now? Fitting into size 12’s and 14’s? Even given vanity sizing, I think “obese” is a largely (pun intended) inaccurate way of judging health.

I recently left a cherished internet home. Go ahead, click and visit. Gentle Christian Mothers is a great place, a tremendous resource and terrific ministry.

My leaving was a culmination of several things. Ostensibly, it was over the topic of food and kids. Food is one area in which I do have regrets and I would do it differently. The biggest issue of contention was my policy of “eat or starve”. My children are now 12.5, nearly 11 and going on 9. They can, indeed, eat what I prepare or not eat until the next planned food.

Eh. Lots of big feelings over the emotional or literal implications of a mom saying “eat or starve”. .

The larger issue at work was the difference between parenting littles and parenting mediums. Although I’d change things even for my littles, I’d block some natural consequences for them. A hungry child gets cranky and difficult. If my 2, 3 or 4 year old didn’t eat at a scheduled meal time and later showed signs of being hungry, I’d offer the same meal or an acceptable, healthy alternative.

But an older, school aged child? Not so much. They should have a more varied palate, larger capacity to eat even if it’s not their favorite. A cranky 10 year old who is cranky for not having eaten an acceptable meal can wait. In waiting, they can wait nicely or wait alone.

The issue at GCM was also, in part, an arguement of “Gentle” parenting and the more firm, less accomodating side of non punitive discipline I’ve always represented. I won’t change. It’s important, primary even, that people know my parenting approach, while not punitive and adversarial is not permissive.

Finally, and the reason I left, is because leaders there were allowed to make statements (of abuse, punitiveness, creating eating disorders) that would not have been allowed towards any other poster. It’s a natural consequence of my posting style and moderating preference. I’m direct and hard hitting and I don’t like heavy moderation on a forum. People assume, therefore, that I “can take it” and the leadership chose to let the multiple threads unfold unmoderated. The rules were different because it was me.

That’s ok. I am now focusing on my book, my sites, offering seminars and classes. I hope to replace the income I’ll lose next year when my long term daycare clients “age out” of needing me. I hope to replace that income with teaching about parenting.

Please, if you are so inclined, visit my zazzle and see if there is anything you’d find useful.

On a board I frequent, we were having a discussion about being a hard ass mom. In searching for my own writing on the topic, I realized that I’ve never publicly written anything on the topic outside of specific AP topics.

My readership (is that a word?) is comprised mostly of alternative/AP parents, or at least folks who have heard that kids can be parented non punitively and learn how to sleep without being subjected to crying it out as an infant.

I’ve also noticed, as the topics change with the ages of my own children, a lack of information on the need for absolutely firm parenting within the positive model. There are plenty of people espousing a punitive model who would agree to the need for authoritative atmosphere. But within the positive model, parents are often reluctant to diagnose and remedy the downward spiral that results from failing to meet the parenting needs of a strong willed child.

Positive parenting/AP looks nice, cozy and warm and cuddly - when it’s present in a family where the children respond well to that dynamic. But when you have a child who requires a different tone and tenor present with a parent who is reluctant to expand their concept of positive parenting, a nasty dynamic can emerge.

Some children, for whatever reason, require absolute firm boundaries. These children often need firm, stern and even cold-seeming delivery. They need limited choices, truncated explanations and rigid rules. It was children like this that have inspired the links I wrote above.

For these children, gentle transitions make things worse. Explanation makes things worse. “Reasoning” makes things worse. These children react with passion when offered “the blue toothbrush or the red one”. They begin to meltdown when given a “5 minute warning for leaving”. Parents often think the reaction is the limit rather than the delivery. With children who require stern, hard ass parenting, it’s not the brushing the teeth that’s the issue. It’s the presence of a choice. It’s not leaving the park. It’s that “later” is too nebulous.

Like sleep issues, nursing, hugs, play and other normal parenting moments mentioned in the link above - the alternative parenting community often imbues interactions with immunity from stern parenting. The truth is, though, that if you have a child who requires it, you will soon be immersed in resentment, anger, fear and disrespect from the child. This emerges from the child’s deep need for absolute boundaries and grows to critical mass unless the parent trusts that small voice saying “Be firm”.

Firm, in this regard, means that you can not repeat yourself, passively expecting compliance. As Jane Nelsen says “Say it Once, and Act”. Or, as Joanne Davidson says: Get off your butt. Firm means that you say “No” and leave it at that. No explanation. No further comment. Firm means that “knock it off”, either verbatim or in sentiment is required. Choices, explanations, qualifiers, incremental transitions all communicate to the child a lack of parental certainty. This makes this kind of child feel insecure……and unloved.

The danger of the truths above is, of course, a tendency to apply punishment and shame in the hard ass parenting. And there is a risk of disconnect amidst the hard ass-ing. That’s where proactive parenting foundations come in. Connection, affection, playfulness, routine and speaking the correct love language need to be as present as the firmly delivered rules.

This entry will undoubtedly create a rash of email or comments. I can predict the patterns. Some will say that they’ve parented positively with smiles, joy, communication, transitional help, choices and flexibility and their family is thriving. Yes. That works when you don’t have a child who is wired to need a different tone.

Some will say “My kid is rude, difficult, challenging, but I believe in positive/AP parenting and will continue what I’m doing, thanks.”

But some will recognize themselves in the words above. It that is you, there are books, people, suggestions and advice to help you get from where you are to what is *authentically* a positive home.

An old online friend has a related article…