On a wonderful board I frequent, I responded to a thread about a needy 2 year old. I didn’t realize how crstyalized my thoughts on the subject had become. I wrote a related entry here.

Some kids have a personality to where there is never enough. And when you respond with more of what they request, they feel more insecure, not less. In the AP/alternative community, this dynamic is rarely acknowledged. Unless you are talking about Pop Tarts. But things such as requests for play, hugs, nursing have been granted immunity status. Surely a child can’t ask for too much attention, can they? Yes, they can. A child who is never satiated, secured and filled up can and will keep asking for time and attention. That child has a need. But it’s not for more time and attention. It’s for more intuitive, more authoritative, more confident parenting.

My oldest can never be filled. When he was much younger, the requests for time, attention, hugs, nursing, play *never ended*. While I don’t think that AP created that, I do think that failiing to move into a different mode of AP exacerbated it. His requests for play, hugs, time, attention and nursing were really requests for limits, routine, schedule and a firm assurance that he is okay.

I think the problem is when *childcare* becomes the focus instead of *homemaking*. If we are unable to make a home, we create a child centered dynamic. Some children are very, very sensitive to that and react with neediness (others are sensitive to it and react with bossiness).

I’ll offer a bold generalization. With a 2 year old, yes, I do expect to have frequent 15-20 minute chunks of time in which to engage in a project.

What I did was realize that my son’s requests and neediness were not serving our family. And that he needed predictable and dependable times together and to develop the knowledge that times apart were fine, as well. It took some intense coaching and verbal assurances, but we did it. The change was remarkable. He became more independent and able, more confident and happy.

I imposed a routine/schedule. I scheduled our meals, snacks, play together time, play apart time, housekeeping, nursing, etc. And I meant it when I said “our play time is over. I love you and we’ll do this again at 4:30. Until then, Mommy is going to do some things in the kitchen. You can play in your kitchen cabinet.” For a while, I also included a “say goodbye to our time together” ritual.

Did he cry. Yes, for a bit. Did he cling? Yes, for a bit. But he soon emerged confident and finally *satiated*. He was asking for complete attention. He needed structure.