Q: My ex husband almost always has his girlfriend sleep over when he has the kids, who are only 8 and 10. What can I do to make him stop?
A:This is a sensitive topic that requires face-to-face meeting with him. Stay calm and rational, and start by affirming his right to date. Then explain why your children shouldn’t be exposed to his personal life. Point out that they can quickly form attachments to girlfriends and feel hurt when they leave the scene, and that it’s inappropriate for him to have sex when they’re around, even behind closed doors. Share with him any comments the kids have made (”Mom, it’s so weird when Dad and his girlfriend disappear into the bedroom”). Then ask him to stop inviting his girlfriend over when the kids are there. If he refuses, talk with his friends and ask them to speak up for you. If he won’t change sufficiently and you feel it’s in your kids’ best interest, consult your about suspending his visitation rights.

This, on page 130 of Family Circle.

I’m aghast at the complete lack of boundaries, the inappropriate roles and lack of *parenting* advice offered here.

The reality in co-parenting is you have very little or no control or say over what happens “there”. Short of neglect or abuse, you do not have the right to comment on your ex’s personal life. In addition, to have the conversation this “expert” recommends, you declare open season on your own.

I’m not defending having a casual relationship “in front of the kids”. Certainly there are better choices to be made. But the Answer Expert assumes that the couple is having sex indiscriminately, assumes a morality as a standard that is not outlined.

The fact that the expert thinks suspending visitation rights is a viable option is frightening. Talking to his friends? I don’t think I could write a prescription for a more inappropriate action on the part of an ex spouse.

I’ve been on both sides of this bed fence. On the day my xh’s girlfriend was moving here from NC, we were all at a Little League game of my sons. I was trying to be positive for my kids, making it safe for them to like Susan. I asked if they had “exciting plans” for the day. My dd informed me that they were going to watch the game, go to Popeye’s “or something cheap” for lunch, that when they got back, “Daddy and Susan were going to take a nap” and they might see a movie later that night.

My outward response: “Oh. Sounds like a plan”.

My inward response? It doesn’t really matter. I gave up say when I told him to “go”. His plan for the weekend didn’t harm the kids. In addition, having a healthy, boundaried and objective conversation with him over his sexual relationship with his now wife was not an achievable goal.

Ex’s typically don’t behave the way we’d prefer. Let’s do our kids a favor and help them process the things that *are* an issue for them. While doing so, let’s have appropriate boundaries around the life choices, behavior of our ex spouses.

FTR, my personal standard for introducing someone to my kids was that we were exclusively dating and could see a permanent future. I couldn’t decide on that future until I saw him with my kids. I introduced my now husband to them after Christmas last year. He began spending lots of time here, with an air mattress upstairs or blankets on the couch.