On a board I frequent, we were having a discussion about being a hard ass mom. In searching for my own writing on the topic, I realized that I’ve never publicly written anything on the topic outside of specific AP topics.

My readership (is that a word?) is comprised mostly of alternative/AP parents, or at least folks who have heard that kids can be parented non punitively and learn how to sleep without being subjected to crying it out as an infant.

I’ve also noticed, as the topics change with the ages of my own children, a lack of information on the need for absolutely firm parenting within the positive model. There are plenty of people espousing a punitive model who would agree to the need for authoritative atmosphere. But within the positive model, parents are often reluctant to diagnose and remedy the downward spiral that results from failing to meet the parenting needs of a strong willed child.

Positive parenting/AP looks nice, cozy and warm and cuddly - when it’s present in a family where the children respond well to that dynamic. But when you have a child who requires a different tone and tenor present with a parent who is reluctant to expand their concept of positive parenting, a nasty dynamic can emerge.

Some children, for whatever reason, require absolute firm boundaries. These children often need firm, stern and even cold-seeming delivery. They need limited choices, truncated explanations and rigid rules. It was children like this that have inspired the links I wrote above.

For these children, gentle transitions make things worse. Explanation makes things worse. “Reasoning” makes things worse. These children react with passion when offered “the blue toothbrush or the red one”. They begin to meltdown when given a “5 minute warning for leaving”. Parents often think the reaction is the limit rather than the delivery. With children who require stern, hard ass parenting, it’s not the brushing the teeth that’s the issue. It’s the presence of a choice. It’s not leaving the park. It’s that “later” is too nebulous.

Like sleep issues, nursing, hugs, play and other normal parenting moments mentioned in the link above - the alternative parenting community often imbues interactions with immunity from stern parenting. The truth is, though, that if you have a child who requires it, you will soon be immersed in resentment, anger, fear and disrespect from the child. This emerges from the child’s deep need for absolute boundaries and grows to critical mass unless the parent trusts that small voice saying “Be firm”.

Firm, in this regard, means that you can not repeat yourself, passively expecting compliance. As Jane Nelsen says “Say it Once, and Act”. Or, as Joanne Davidson says: Get off your butt. Firm means that you say “No” and leave it at that. No explanation. No further comment. Firm means that “knock it off”, either verbatim or in sentiment is required. Choices, explanations, qualifiers, incremental transitions all communicate to the child a lack of parental certainty. This makes this kind of child feel insecure……and unloved.

The danger of the truths above is, of course, a tendency to apply punishment and shame in the hard ass parenting. And there is a risk of disconnect amidst the hard ass-ing. That’s where proactive parenting foundations come in. Connection, affection, playfulness, routine and speaking the correct love language need to be as present as the firmly delivered rules.

This entry will undoubtedly create a rash of email or comments. I can predict the patterns. Some will say that they’ve parented positively with smiles, joy, communication, transitional help, choices and flexibility and their family is thriving. Yes. That works when you don’t have a child who is wired to need a different tone.

Some will say “My kid is rude, difficult, challenging, but I believe in positive/AP parenting and will continue what I’m doing, thanks.”

But some will recognize themselves in the words above. It that is you, there are books, people, suggestions and advice to help you get from where you are to what is *authentically* a positive home.

An old online friend has a related article…

On a wonderful board I frequent, I responded to a thread about a needy 2 year old. I didn’t realize how crstyalized my thoughts on the subject had become. I wrote a related entry here.

Some kids have a personality to where there is never enough. And when you respond with more of what they request, they feel more insecure, not less. In the AP/alternative community, this dynamic is rarely acknowledged. Unless you are talking about Pop Tarts. But things such as requests for play, hugs, nursing have been granted immunity status. Surely a child can’t ask for too much attention, can they? Yes, they can. A child who is never satiated, secured and filled up can and will keep asking for time and attention. That child has a need. But it’s not for more time and attention. It’s for more intuitive, more authoritative, more confident parenting.

My oldest can never be filled. When he was much younger, the requests for time, attention, hugs, nursing, play *never ended*. While I don’t think that AP created that, I do think that failiing to move into a different mode of AP exacerbated it. His requests for play, hugs, time, attention and nursing were really requests for limits, routine, schedule and a firm assurance that he is okay.

I think the problem is when *childcare* becomes the focus instead of *homemaking*. If we are unable to make a home, we create a child centered dynamic. Some children are very, very sensitive to that and react with neediness (others are sensitive to it and react with bossiness).

I’ll offer a bold generalization. With a 2 year old, yes, I do expect to have frequent 15-20 minute chunks of time in which to engage in a project.

What I did was realize that my son’s requests and neediness were not serving our family. And that he needed predictable and dependable times together and to develop the knowledge that times apart were fine, as well. It took some intense coaching and verbal assurances, but we did it. The change was remarkable. He became more independent and able, more confident and happy.

I imposed a routine/schedule. I scheduled our meals, snacks, play together time, play apart time, housekeeping, nursing, etc. And I meant it when I said “our play time is over. I love you and we’ll do this again at 4:30. Until then, Mommy is going to do some things in the kitchen. You can play in your kitchen cabinet.” For a while, I also included a “say goodbye to our time together” ritual.

Did he cry. Yes, for a bit. Did he cling? Yes, for a bit. But he soon emerged confident and finally *satiated*. He was asking for complete attention. He needed structure.

Attachment Parenting and recent developments in understanding temperament have made a wonderful difference in parenting our children. However, these changes have not occurred without creating some challenges and issues.

Over my parenting years, I’ve often read about and used terms such as “high need”, “intense”, “and spirited”. I’ve even used some more clinical terms such as “Sensory Integration Disorder”. Many books, articles and sites have developed to explain these attributes and build understanding community around parents who’ve BTDT. This is a good thing.

There has been some backlash. Some articles, experts, authors and commenters who disagree wholeheartedly with AP or labels they declare give permission for out of control children. I disagree with these authors wholeheartedly.

However, I depart from many passionate, thinking, researched and wonderful people in the AP community in some of these areas. I *do* think that high needs (under any name) can be created. I think existing high neediness can be exacerbated. I think we can create and/or allow monsters. Monsters that can and should be tamed.

I absolutely think that children can and are born with extra issues. I birthed one myself. A significant percentage of “more” children are so due to reactions to the complex world we live in: food and environmental allergy, artificial lighting, sensory issues, autism spectrum manifestation.

I don’t think each child labeled “high need” is high need by birth. I don’t think each child labeled “hyperactive” “ADD”, “spirited” was born with these propensities. And I think some who were born with the propensity have been allowed to express themselves so often that they’ve created instead of curbed neediness.

To get more specific, I’ve seen moms who honor their children’s temperaments while still asserting, defining and establishing boundaries. These moms will leave stores; refuse to let their child hurt them or anyone else, structure days to set the stage for success. OTOH, I’ve seen moms so afraid of the expression of their children; they avoid conflict and therefore the child moves forward, gathering a momentum of power that far outweighs the child’s ability to control.

I’ve seen babies who nurse nearly 24/7. I had one of those. But, I agree with Aletha Solter that we can *create* that habit of neediness in a frantic effort to prevent crying. Solter insists, (and I agree) that crying babies need to be held – but I don’t agree that all babies are meant to be quieted. I agree with Solter that some babies process the world by crying. And, I think that day by day, month by month of trying to get the crying to stop by offering the breast (pacifier, food, etc) can exacerbate the neediness.

As the child grows, I see the same thing with regard to attention span and the ability to play independently. I think I made some mistakes in this area. In my zeal to provide consistent, nurturing care, I deprived Andrew of starting to develop his muscles of delayed gratification and the ability to engage in independent play. A bit of frustration over learning to crawl might have enabled him at 8.5 to start his grammar before expressing that he “can’t do it”.

I learned, too, after having more than one child that getting to a baby/child the moment they express themselves isn’t an across the board good thing. My younger 2 children are much more easy going and adaptable. Partly due to temperament, partly due to the fact that with more than one, I *couldn’t* respond immediately all the time. They made a remarkable discovery: they could recover themselves or wait a minute, often happily. I didn’t have to rush to them nor did I have to abandon them in order to begin to let them learn and practice patience.

Early on with my passion for positive parenting, I went overboard on *feelings*. Feelings reigned supreme and the need to validate, label, name and embrace them obscured the need to teach my children how to have feeling *and* manage the expression of those feelings. I would have cringed had anyone suggest I help my son gain perspective and modulate. I would have felt that they were suggesting that I tell my son how to feel. Today, I have no problems telling my children. “You’re reaction is an 8. The situation is a 3. You need to gain control over how you are acting.” I still don’t punish for feelings (I don’t really punish for anything). But nor do I let my children hold me or others hostage with the expression of the feeling.

Balanced, moderated parenting occurs when standards are (mostly) static. I will not change the standard of behavior because my (non special needs) children have a label that is “more”. It’s not okay for a 2 year old to scream in a store, period. It’s more likely that a spirited child *will* scream in a store, but no less acceptable. Abusive responses, however, are not necessary no matter how challenging the child.

We need to understand that “high needs” exists. Understanding High Needs can offer us strategies, ideas, community and support. It should not, however, be used as a vehicle which our children are given to drive through normal social structures, expectations, courtesies and activities.

I began my parenting journey attending LLL meetings. I read Dr. Sears. I read newer AP books as they came out. I used all the AP “tools”. I breastfed, co slept, cuddled, responded and developed a huge disdain for Ferber, Ezzo and other, more adversarial parenting paradigms.

Eventually, I got online. I readily found lots of support for my parenting style and soon developed plenty of online relationships to support my choices.

Part of my paradigm was the firm, nearly rigid belief that a baby/child can’t ask to nurse “too much”. In addition to that, I believed in child-led weaning and on demand breastfeeding until that time.

As the years went on, however, my approach wasn’t working for my oldest. Our mutual discomfort and uneasiness was explained away by the facts that I had added 2 more nurslings. It seemed plausible, actually, so I persevered. And I led my oldest and I into a horrible dynamic. I took the advice of seasoned AP moms who I respected. I offered to nurse more, answered “yes”, tried “don’t offer, don’t refuse”. I limited length of nursing.

And my oldest still kept asking to nurse, often. *Too* often for his age, although I was hard pressed to find someone who understood or agreed – at least in my circle.

The truth is that he was miserable; I was miserable. Looking back, I intuitively knew it was centered around nursing – but I ignored that. He was asking *constantly* and I was avoiding him. In that way, the suggestions that he needed me to be available and willing seemed plausible. I *was* avoiding him. I was avoiding eye contact, sitting down, affection, games and play. Each of those led immediately to a request to *nurse*. And from each nursing session, my son would emerge just as insecure, needy, and whiny.

The dramatic conclusion of this dynamic came when he deliberately tried to hurt himself so I would nurse him. That’s when I finally had to admit *something* was wrong.

I posted on an alternative site where the moms were full of support and love. But, no real experienced understanding of nursing a child like I am describing. I didn’t understand, either, at the time. An AP mom contacted me privately and said: limit him.

LIMIT HIM? That would never work! She, patiently, pointed out that what we were doing wasn’t working, either. Given his age(4), she suggested limiting him to once a day, the same time everyday. I did that and he chose before bed. She suggested I make no exceptions but I didn’t see how an exception for illness or hurt would matter.

Andrew responded beautifully to the limits. It was like a sigh of relief went through his whole body. Like he let go of 2 year’s worth of stress, worry and anxiety. He was a different *child*, not just a different nursling. I found out soon enough why there could not be any exceptions – they created an immediate regression.

Looking back with some experience, insight and hindsight, I can it clearly now. At first, I limited him because I though *I* needed the limits. That wasn’t the case. *He* needed them. His personality was such that he needed firm, non negotiable, rigid limits on everything he had a passion for. Nursing was no exception. The nursing relationship isn’t immune from manifestations of personality and temperament. It is, in fact, a place were those traits are often most evident. Andrew continues to crave and need limits in order to thrive. He needs them on how many hours he can play with friends out front, on talking about baseball, and when to stop asking for something when the answer is “no”.

I’ve since had 2 other nurslings past the age Andrew was when I nursed him. I did actively limit my daughter after age 4, although not as rigidly; she didn’t need it. I haven’t had to limit my youngest at all.

Here is an article that does a good job of explaining the dynamic. I didn’t have to wean to restore harmony like this author chose to.