Fortunately, life has matured me.

I started my parenting journey as a committed attachment/alternative somewhat natural parent. I got involved with the online and in real life community that made similar choices.

I offered hugs and support and rants when an AP mom was criticized as being permissive. I got angry when people were told by friends and relatives that they needed to wean, spank, limit nursing and use a curriculum. I didn’t want to believe that AP/alternative/natural parenting had any inherent faults.

But, as the years have gone by, I’ve realized a few things. One is that parents who are permissive are more likely to be attracted to AP parenting. As such, the AP community will have a higher percentage of permissive parents. Also, adult children recovering from difficult childhood are likely to swing in the opposite direction and make parenting choices based on “not doing what was done to me” instead of doing what’s *best*.

I’ll admit it, now. I think many people who have said the children of AP parents they know are wild, out of control and obnoxious were right about their observation. I admit that parents who say “I know a non spanking family and they have the worst kids I’ve even seen” can be saying the truth.

If an adult’s experience and exposure to AP/alternative and natural choices is limited to families where permissiveness reigns, they conclude that AP is permissive. Today, I understand that.

I also have the experience and wisdom to know that AP is not inherently permissive but that how some parents use it *is*.

Take, for example, co-sleeping. A few years ago, I would have defending co-sleeping as never permissive. Now, I’ve seen co-sleeping manifest in some families in ways that *are* permissive. That doesn’t make co-sleeping permissive or wrong. A parent who co-sleeps (or continues to co-sleep even when they are done with that stage) because they are afraid of their child’s feelings, or making their child uncomfortable is permissive. That parent is not doing themselves, that child or ultimately society any favors.

Take extended nursing, or even not-so-extended nursing. It’s not, in my experience, permissive at all. Yet, I see aspects of permissiveness manifest in the breastfeeding relationship often. Acrobatic nursing children allowed to twist, turn and torture. Older toddlers who are allowed to “ask” to nurse by clawing and pawing mom’s shirt.

I’ve also realized that an older nursling *can* ask to nurse “too much”. Some children’s personalities are such that they need firm limits everywhere (some can handle more flexibility without becoming out of control). Those children need to be limited in nursing as much as they need to be limited TV and candy.

Take unschooling, for example. I think unschooling *can* be and is a legitimate choice. But, if it’s made because the parent lacks structure, firmness or is child centered, then unschooling becomes permissive.

Speaking of child centeredness, I also found in the AP community a high level of acceptance that normal, acceptable standards of homemaking can be dropped so that Mom can focus all day on children. I think honoring children’s *needs* while maintaining an orderly home is not only possible, but desirable.

I’d like to apologize. To those who over the years I’ve passionately and blindly defending my parenting choices, I’m sorry. I didn’t *see* what you did and didn’t want to admit that something I strongly held as right in my mother’s heart could be a breeding ground for dysfunction.

And for those who still believe AP is, in and of itself permissive, happily, you are wrong. I’ve seen is work in many wonderful, boundaried, thriving homes.

Some of my devoted and wonderful readers were unable to find and read the linked post below. I’ll cut and paste. It’s from my other blog.

We are leaving our church. Not our denomination, but the location at which we’ve been worshipping for 9 months. I don’t regret going or joining. It was clear we needed to find someplace, and quick!

But, I ignored the inevitable. It’s inevitable that any church that would wholeheartedly embrace this nonsense would not be a long term situation for us.

The symptom of the problem was Children’s Church. At first, Mike and I thought that it was annoyance at having to wait for our children after “our” church service was over. In talking it through, however, we discovered the real problem was the very *existence* of Children’s Church. And even with that realization (it *is* Epiphany Season) we acknowledged that the existence of Children’s Church was but a symptom of the disease.

I’ve diagnosed the problem and named the disease: Superfluparents. Our culture suffers from a chronic and acute case of superfluparents. The symptoms are expert driven parenting decisions, preponderance of parenting books, handing over of children to institutions at earlier ages, for longer periods of time. The condition is characterized by a gradual decline in parental authority, a deterioration of the family unit as socialization vehicle, the slow give away of each aspect of the child’s life to someone/someplace else. Advanced stages of the disease are shown by children who care more about peers than parents, parents whose “dealing with children” muscles have atrophied due to lack of use, and the assumption that children’s needs are best met in groups of children.

Mike and I talked extensively and worried much. Our children have developed relationships, routine and affection towards our (soon to be former) church home. They’ve been uprooted recently by a 1200 mile move. Mike is gone a lot. Leaving was not a situation we contemplated lightly. In fact, we prayerfully asked God to provide us with a clue.

And we got that clue; clear as a bell. Sunday, during the sermon, our (soon to be former) Pastor proudly exclaimed that our church would soon offer Children’s Church every Sunday. Amazingly, in the same passionately delivered sermon, he stated the church’s desire for the youth to get involved “more.” I glanced at the youth - it was easy. Our (soon to be former) youth sit together, sans parents. The youth in question were presumably reared in the pews. It might not be difficult to get a “buy in” from them. But, I thought of the Children’s Church soon to be youth. They would go from the Presbyterian baptismal sprinkle, to the nursery, to children’s church, to the youth area. And they would rarely, if ever, worship next to their parents.

I’ll be honest; I like my children next to me in church. I like for them to see me reach for a tissue, to nod my head in agreement, to shake my head vigorously, to bow my head in humility. I like for them to know that God transcends *age*.

Jesus did not say “Send the children to children’s church and the rest of you follow me.” I believe with every fiber of my being that the family is the Divine design for socialization, nurture and training a child in the way they should go.

I realize with the raging epidemic of superfluparents, it will be difficult to find a church free of manifestation. But, I’d like to at least find one that isn’t riddled with it. The same sermon contained the happily offered information that adult classes would also be age segregated. ^shrug^ I know what’s it’s like to be the parent of a 9, 7 and 5 year old. I’d rather talk to the parents of grown children who have some experience, strength and hope to offer.