Level 1
Level 1 in Effective Practical Parenting is Communicating Love
Communicating love to your child is the first discipline choice that needs to be exercised. How is communicating love a discipline choice? Discipline, in its entirety, encompasses all aspects of life with children. The definition of discipline is to teach.
In communicating love, we create the relationship on which all future interaction is played out. In the ways we manage or fail to communicate love, we create the tone of the relationship.
By communicating love, we insure that our words of correction are offered in a context of security.
Dr. Ross Campbell was one of the first authors I was privileged and blessed to read in my early parenting years. He wrote a book which has fortunately earned classic status in the parenting category. It is a short, practical and wholly applicable booked called “How To Really Love Your Child”. In it, he details the ways in which we need to communicate our love for our children. The primary vehicles he suggests are eye contact, physical touch and quality time. He later went on to expand this idea by co-authoring a book with Gary D. Chapman on the 5 Love Languages of Children. This book speaks to the specific ways in which love is felt by individuals.
Dr. Ross talks about the distinction between being loved (most kids are) and feeling loved (many kids don’t). Proactive EPP recognizes the difference and works to insure that children feel the present love.
Children who feel loved are the most able to learn, grow and develop. They are the most able to accept constructive criticism. They are the least fearful of reproach and least likely to resist correction with a fierce attitude. Children who feel loved are able to bring their resources of change and growth to each event, secure in the knowledge that they are loved, safe and protected. This is what I call the envelope of nurture.
Children secured by the felt love of their parents move forward knowing their value, their worth, their preciousness. They have appropriate pride and confidence.
Before we move forward in our discussion of ways to help your child feel loved, allow me to emphasize again the distinction between being loved and feeling loved. The two are related, but separate. A child can be very much loved, but feel unloved or feel that the love is conditional.
I am assuming an immeasurable quantity of love in your hearts and minds for your children. The words below are ways to communicate that love to them.
This love is communicated in the presence of time, attention, focus and in the absence of shame, punishment and adversarial posturing. Communicating love absolutely involves including limits, but the focus needs to be on the feeling of love and not the need for authority.
The way in which you cultivate and grow the love atmosphere in your home will reflect your family’s values, personality and lifestyle. I intend to offer general guidelines to assist you in communicating the present love. As vehicles for expressing love, I suggest touch, time, ritual and words.