First Time Obedience?
A related concept found in the conservative Christian community is First Time Obedience. The idea of First Time Obedience has become a concept in discussions, books, and seminars regarding Christian parenting. FTO refers to the desirability of having children of all ages respond immediately to a parent’s command. The concept of FTO is presented not only as desirable, but as Biblical. In training for FTO, punishment is considered imperative.
Along with spanking, FTO has been elevated to a rather bizarre status in the Christian parenting world. There seems to be 2 different reasons for it offered. The first is the “salvational” issue. “We must teach our children to submit willingly to us so that they learn to submit to God. The other is more earthly. Typically, it goes something like this: “We must train our children to obey because there might come a time when my words need to save their life”.
I’ve come to call this “the safety justification”.
I do not see the Biblical, pragmatic or practical justification for First time Obedience. That said, I do expect my children to age appropriately learn to obey my words. And I’ve found that it happens over time, by using Get Off Your Butt Parenting. (Make that a link)
I’ve been asked if I “ever” do anything about disobedience. The answer is yes. And no.
Disobedience is not a factor. I’ve found that removing “disobedient” as a concept in my parenting was helpful. I expect and demand and elicit compliance. It’s more hands on the younger the child (or in the earlier stages of EPP). Disobedient as a concept introduces the element of power struggle. I have assumed power. I have no need to label childish behavior in such a way as to create a negative or a battle.
I don’t expect a 4 year old to give me a high five and ask “how high?” every time I say jump. I expect him to act like a 4 year old. And as such, I expect that I will issue a command and get immediate compliance often. When immediate compliance doesn’t happen, I evaluate whether immediate compliance is needed and act accordingly. Expecting immediate compliance for its own sake is a set up for frustration.
I expect my children to obey. I expect my 4 year olds to obey. And, simultaneously, I expect to help them obey. I’m 41. I have to call and check in with someone about my diet. When I was in my early 30’s, I had to give my credit card to someone to “keep” unless I had an emergency. I need help. I need God. I need accountability, support, redirection, encouragement, coaching and a pat on the back. How much more of all of that do my children need?
Often the “help” aspect concerns parents. It can help to remember the truth about punishment. A spanking is simply another kind of help. It’s no more useful, effective or superior than actual help directly related to the issue. It’s a reminder; one that may or may not produce more frequent immediate compliance. It’s not different than help. It’s simply a different kind.