Help! My 9 to 13 Year Old is Driving Me Crazy!

On recent message forums and over the years, I’ve seen many posts of desperate moms regarding their 9 - 13 year old son. Here is one response I’ve recently posted.

Note: My oldest presents some challenges. Between being the oldest, my expectations of him, the mistakes I made with him, the first marriage, separation, divorce, me having basically run a daycare his whole life, and his genetics? Well, it’s not been easy. Starting around 9, he developed a propensity to having a mouth, the last year attitude has increased, and I observed some thinking and processing that disturbed me. We’ve had some serious bullying with him and even holding people hostage with his anger; making daily life all about him, always in a negative way.

I’m sharing this, possibly regretfully, so that you don’t think I’m posting with “great discipline ideas” that don’t apply to real families with real problems.

He is seeing a therapist.

If you have an out of control, challenging son of this age range, read on. The child I’m writing about has had some moderate to severe bullying issues.

I’d approach this proactively and responsively. Responsively is the word I use when the issue/behavior is happening and you have to do something about it.

Responsively:

Tell him that you will not allow him to abuse anyone. That due to his behavior, he’s chosen a “zero chance” response from you. At the first bullying/abusive word or action, he’s chosen to be removed from the situation because 1) you will keep people safe from his behavior and 2) you are going to teach him the standard for appropriate interaction. That means you’ll take him out of the game, a restaurant, playing chess, church, whatever.

Tell him directly and in front of whoever is there: You’ve made a choice to be removed. Inform his teachers, coaches, other adults of the zero tolerance policy. Let the sudden, consistent and complete removal be the consequence. Remember, your additional consequences haven’t worked.

Yes, tomato stake. By that I mean he’s chosen to stay close to you because he’s lost - through his behavior - the privileges of autonomy that come with his age *and* appropriate behavior. He gave that up with his continued choices. To be granted independent, age wanted autonomy, he needs an extended period of time where you see him trying to make better choices, a willingness to stop and “do over”, amends.

However, I would not make the tomato staking uncomfortable, chore-ridden, or negative. I’d start with the proactive areas.

Get him outside, professional help.

Start a program of connection with him. It’s likely your like and affection for him has deteriorated and the disconnect between you grown. Regardless of his behavior, you are responsible for healing that rift. The way to do that is to begin an intentional and deliberate program of connection, affection, joy, playfulness. Plan it out; schedule it. Use post it notes, prayer, cyber-reminders. Whatever it takes for you to build your relationship on positive interaction; regardless of his past or his behavior. He’s asking “Do you love me” and “Do you like me” and the answer has GOT to be yes. If you haven’t already, read the love books by Dr. Ross Campbell and follow them. (He has one on teens and also one on angry kids).

Drop unrelated punishment. Drop arbitrary punishment. It isn’t helping and indeed is likely to be fueling his off thinking. He can feel resentful and justified.

Simultaneous with the connection and rebuild of the relationship, remember he’s wanting to learn how to be a man. You can’t teach him how to do that. (Norm Wakefield has some good stuff on this one). 9 - 13 is a known very hard time for many boys/parents, especially moms. One of the reasons is the extended adolescence our way of life has now. He’s looking for ways to express his growing manhood. Finding few, he’s expressing it inappropriately. You need to find as many appropriate ways as your life can afford without making him the center of everything. (Which would be “bad”) Baseball, well coached, is a good way to channel that energy, providing structure and a vehicle to express the varying emotions. That’s why I don’t impoverish children’s lives by taking away things like sports. It backfires in more than one way.

Find ways to channel his energy that are man centered and make sure there are men to teach him.

If you haven’t already, teach him that anger is fine, but there are limits to the way it can be expressed. Together with his therapist, learn appropriate ways for him to process the emotion and also to limit the thinking that fuels anger.

It’s my sense this started as normal “boy at that age” stuff. Maybe this old thread will help you?

Old thread about boys this age.

Now, while I don’t agree with unrelated punishment/consequences, I do think that influences that exacerbate the behavior need to be removed until the child demonstrates competency with behavior. Screens in general, certain friends, language/attitude influences, etc can be a part of the package that makes up challenges and for that reason, should be looked at individually not as punishment but as *management* for his and others’ benefit.

Read that thread above and make the choice to partner *with* him. Tell him you’ll help him stop the bullying cycle. Barbara Coloroso has a book on bullying that may help. I like her work but haven’t gotten to that one yet.

Write a contract outlining your expectations of appropriate behavior and with his mouth and body. Spell out the consequences of leaving, limiting. Let him know in writing you all sign that you will protect the ones being picked on and protect him from being allowed to continue down the road he’s chosen. (I do have a contract with my son that has been part of the turn around.)

But, I say this heartfully, this won’t work if you don’t connect/recover FIRST and the continued efforts at punishment don’t stop.

Children like this also need to learn some perspective on their value, role, gifts and blessings. Get him involved in service work. Don’t do it out of an adversarial place and don’t lecture. Do it together, make it a positive. He’ll “get” the rest without discussion.

Increase the amount of positive alternatives. Movies, events, etc with wholesome behavior, language and intents would do far more than another privilege taken away.

While I know he is doing this deliberately, don’t assume he knows what is a power/bullying play all the time or where the lines are. You will probably have to impose a complete “no touch” and “no playful teasing” rule with him for a period of time because he’s not honoring (or doesn’t have) internal boundaries about when to stop. However, *teach* and *coach* him while firmly removing him. Tell him “You called him a name and that is unacceptable.” “You used your verbal power over him, that is bullying”. Be clear; do not defend or debate or discuss, but give him the information as to exactly where he crossed the line.

Since he’s been pushing it for years, you’ll need to draw the line *very* tight; he’s been begging for real boundaries so he can feel safe.

Have you read any of my stuff on being a firm mom?

Link to my words on being a firm mom.

Start a prayer journal and/or a gratitude journal. Keep a running notebook for your communication with him. Email him. Don’t offer non descript praise; but offer genuine feedback. One I recently was happy to write was thanking my son for mowing the back lawn and how it made me feel happy to come home and see he had done it unprompted.

If friends or places seem to make him “more” challenging, eliminate them.

Give him scripts to try again, do over and make amends.

Find out if he needs space to process or if he needs interaction; make that happen for him.