Let’s Not Talk About Spanking

My youngest son was a hitter. From about 18 months until 3, he frequent hit, or at least tried to hit other children in play situations.

I remember taking my 3 kids to a pizza establishment with games, activity and lots of people. Knowing my youngest, I stuck close by him preventing contact with others. It was still obvious to others his intention was to hit, even though I managed to prevent it.

There were two moms sitting at a table. They were each mothers of one early toddler. Their toddlers were happily strapped into seats, munching happily on pizza. They watched me trail my preschooler with deepening looks of horror registering on their faces. Their leaned in closer bodies, direction of their eyes and general body language were not hard to decipher. It was clear they were talking about my son and I.
I guarantee they were saying one of two things:

1) He’s like that because she doesn’t spank him
Or
2) He’s like that because she spanks him

That’s the irony of “the spanking issue” in Western culture. There are those who believe in it wholeheartedly, use it often, can’t imagine parenting without it and assume non spankers are permissive. These parents often evaluate non spankers through the paradigm of “kids need spanking” and judge normal childhood behavior as though the absence of spanking created it. The other side is often so against the corporal punishment of children they assume spanking equals abuse, the “it never works” and that parents who spank are inferior. These type of non spankers often attribute childhood behaviors to the fact that the parents spank. “He must have learned hitting from his parents.”

EPP (Effective Practical Parenting) is not about spanking or not spanking. The presence or absence of spanking as a discipline tool offers little in terms of being able to evaluate the quality of discipline in a home. The fact that a family spanks does not mean they have effective discipline. The absence of spanking in a home does not suggest the absence of discipline.

Spanking is not the issue. Not spanking is not the issue.

The issue is that children require a lot of time, attention, direction and guidance. They require this *regardless* of discipline choices. The further truth is that even if you include spanking (or other forms of punishment), you will need to include the tools of EPP in order to be an effective, good parent.

I’ll say it again. The focus on *spanking* or *not spanking* misses the mark and obscures the real issue. EPP isn’t about “not spanking”. It’s parenting in a manner that teaches, encourages, guides, corrects and assists children into maturity while helping them meet the family standard for behavior.

The purpose of this site and my book is to outline exactly how to execute and cultivate a home where Effective Practical Parenting is in place. Parents who use this style realize that discipline isn’t merely a list of tools used; rather, it’s a relationship, a lifestyle and a way of thinking about the nature of children and life with children.

Tools vary, often according to the personality of the child. Effective Practical Parenting is characterized by using proactive tools to create a positive family atmosphere and it utilizes kind and firm ways to enforce rules. EPP understands age appropriate behaviors and doesn’t punish for them. Instead, a parent using EPP will stop the inappropriate behavior and teach an appropriate behavior in its place. An EPP family will work actively with their children to develop self control, while enforcing reasonable boundaries of behavior.

Effective Practical Parenting works. Because it is kind, respectful and firm, children are shown respect and are taught tools for managing their behavior. A parent partners with the child to teach them life skills and to help develop the habits of self control.

Let’s be honest, and above all, practical. Quality discipline combines knowledge of age appropriate behaviors, reasonable standards, clear expectations, proactive discipline and consistency. Anything less is not effective discipline. Let’s remove the “extremes” of how the discipline pendulum swings: from the heavily punitive parenting in which parents punish and fail to teach positively, to the pleading, requesting, passive parenting in which parents never establish or enforce rules of conduct.

In the middle is the parent who says “stop that” or “do this” and makes it happen. In the middle is the parent who looks at the toddler on the dining room table and removes them while also thinking “This child likes to climb. How can I make that happen safely?” That middle parent may or may not punish. But that (good) parent takes both a proactive approach and a responsive approach to the discipline challenges they face. That parent uses a bare minimum of physical punishment, if any, but lots of physical redirection in the younger years. Good parenting looks very similar, even if the parent uses punishment. If a good parent uses punishment, it’s not often - not daily, or even weekly. However, that parent disciplines frequently.

Effective Practical Parenting ideas can be used in a home that also reserves punishment as an option. Although EPP is best utilized in the absence of punishment, it can be incorporated into the approach you currently use. As you practice EPP, I believe (and certainly expect) that you’ll see the “need” for punishment diminish or disappear entirely.