Being a Firm Mom…

On a board I frequent, we were having a discussion about being a hard ass mom. In searching for my own writing on the topic, I realized that I’ve never publicly written anything on the topic outside of specific AP topics.

My readership (is that a word?) is comprised mostly of alternative/AP parents, or at least folks who have heard that kids can be parented non punitively and learn how to sleep without being subjected to crying it out as an infant.

I’ve also noticed, as the topics change with the ages of my own children, a lack of information on the need for absolutely firm parenting within the positive model. There are plenty of people espousing a punitive model who would agree to the need for authoritative atmosphere. But within the positive model, parents are often reluctant to diagnose and remedy the downward spiral that results from failing to meet the parenting needs of a strong willed child.

Positive parenting/AP looks nice, cozy and warm and cuddly - when it’s present in a family where the children respond well to that dynamic. But when you have a child who requires a different tone and tenor present with a parent who is reluctant to expand their concept of positive parenting, a nasty dynamic can emerge.

Some children, for whatever reason, require absolute firm boundaries. These children often need firm, stern and even cold-seeming delivery. They need limited choices, truncated explanations and rigid rules. It was children like this that have inspired the links I wrote above.

For these children, gentle transitions make things worse. Explanation makes things worse. “Reasoning” makes things worse. These children react with passion when offered “the blue toothbrush or the red one”. They begin to meltdown when given a “5 minute warning for leaving”. Parents often think the reaction is the limit rather than the delivery. With children who require stern, hard ass parenting, it’s not the brushing the teeth that’s the issue. It’s the presence of a choice. It’s not leaving the park. It’s that “later” is too nebulous.

Like sleep issues, nursing, hugs, play and other normal parenting moments mentioned in the link above - the alternative parenting community often imbues interactions with immunity from stern parenting. The truth is, though, that if you have a child who requires it, you will soon be immersed in resentment, anger, fear and disrespect from the child. This emerges from the child’s deep need for absolute boundaries and grows to critical mass unless the parent trusts that small voice saying “Be firm”.

Firm, in this regard, means that you can not repeat yourself, passively expecting compliance. As Jane Nelsen says “Say it Once, and Act”. Or, as Joanne Davidson says: Get off your butt. Firm means that you say “No” and leave it at that. No explanation. No further comment. Firm means that “knock it off”, either verbatim or in sentiment is required. Choices, explanations, qualifiers, incremental transitions all communicate to the child a lack of parental certainty. This makes this kind of child feel insecure……and unloved.

The danger of the truths above is, of course, a tendency to apply punishment and shame in the hard ass parenting. And there is a risk of disconnect amidst the hard ass-ing. That’s where proactive parenting foundations come in. Connection, affection, playfulness, routine and speaking the correct love language need to be as present as the firmly delivered rules.

This entry will undoubtedly create a rash of email or comments. I can predict the patterns. Some will say that they’ve parented positively with smiles, joy, communication, transitional help, choices and flexibility and their family is thriving. Yes. That works when you don’t have a child who is wired to need a different tone.

Some will say “My kid is rude, difficult, challenging, but I believe in positive/AP parenting and will continue what I’m doing, thanks.”

But some will recognize themselves in the words above. It that is you, there are books, people, suggestions and advice to help you get from where you are to what is *authentically* a positive home.

An old online friend has a related article…