Socialization Standard: Fool’s Gold

On a board dedicated to homeschoolers, a mom was worried that her kids were missing something. Here is my response.

If you don’t know already, I have actually recently worked on the property of a public school (a split shift, not working for the school but for the YMCA providing before and after school care). And I have provided after school care for PS kids for years. I’m adding this so that you know I’m not just guessing at some of these experiences, for a staunch homeschooler, I do have a decent amount of current experience with the school system.

So………

You are buying into a culturally scripted and developed standard of socialization. For you to be concerned your children are “missing out on” these social events, you must, to some degree, believe that the socialization provided by the structure of building school settings is the standard by which we should evaluate the quality of children’s social life.

Over the years, I’ve been asked dozens of times about “socialization”. I used to quickly answer with a list of “stuff we do” that includes other kids.

“Oh, well we do church, a drama program, Little League, …….” Until one day I realized that I was trying to make my children’s social calendar a match to that of a ps’ed kid. I was operating with the assumption that the socialization that most kids do have in our culture is the best.

I encourage you to challenge this assumption. It’s an arbitrary standard, not an organic one. The socialization process and events that emerge from school settings are overwhelmingly the most common for kids; but are they the best? What evidence do we have, really, that most kids need, thrive on and desire that kind of socialization? During this evaluation, don’t assume that a child enjoying it means it’s a good thing. All humans can and do enjoy things that are not, in the long term, in our best interests.

What I’ve noticed in school settings (directly) and through critical evaluation with my after school clients:

1) Recess is often a challenging time for kids socially.

2) Recess is an event that ends very quickly in elementary school.

3) Kids are often undersupervised in school settings. This creates many problems:

a) Kids tend to teach each other more age-expected behavior. A group of 8 year olds undersupervised can only trade 8 year old behavior.

b) Bullying and teasing standards are low. Yes, ps’ed kids go through bullying awareness programs. But because of the nature of socialization in groups in school settings, much bullying flies under the radar. This bullying is still largely unrecognized at best and dismissed under damaging paradigms such as “kids will be kids” and “they’ve got to learn how to deal with it sometime” and “let them work it out themselves” and “don’t let them know it bothers you and it will stop”. These culturally accepted remedies and responses are so jaded that they are rarely examined for validity. In truth, they allow for a tremendous amount of everyday bullying that is not even recognized. This from normal, average kids that are not at risk. The bullied continue to get teased and the bullies never learn that what they are doing is unacceptable.

4) The social hierarchy is present in nearly every group of undersupervised kids. The popular by cool dynamic is present. The older kids are granted automatic reverence and preference. Popularity over character is chosen often. Again, this happens with average kids daily and is usually assumed so normal that it’s rare for it to register on people’s radar for the damage it creates.

Children need interaction with people, age peers included. But they bring themselves and their maturity to those settings. They therefore need the guidance and presense of adults to coach, guide and assist them. We tend to allow kids to fend for themselves socially far too early and with inadequate preparation.

Sure, schools have parades, celebrations, recess for the littles, parties, carnivals, etc. But at what cost?

I would give up any 10 of those celebrations to have not experienced some of the issues I documented above.

I’d give up both proms (Jr. and Sr.) to have had more adults teach us how to not bully and how to react to bullying (beyond the passive approach of “don’t let them bother you. That one = let them abuse you more).

My school social experience was not awful, btw. It was average. That is what is pathetic.

Develop your own crowd, rituals and standards by which you judge quality socialization. Your kids will benefit.

Before and After

Pic of me at my highest:

Today:

This is related to homeschooling. The Alamo is the background in one of them.

Homeschooling, The Cops, Daytime Incarceration

Last Wednesday, I dropped my boys off at a local outdoor, free, county provided skatepark.

Not that it should matter, but they had both done a bunch of work for the week already. We have Wednesday morning off from “other kids” (I homeschool 2 kids in addition to my own for my income). They had Spanish class scheduled for later that day.

I get a call from my oldest that my youngest “landed on his face”. My oldest evaluates “It’s bad enough to come home but not bad enough to go to the hospital”.

I arrive to see my 2 boys engaged in conversation with 2 police officers (the park is adjacent to a police station). The Officers are not there because of the injury. They are there because “someone called in” that 2 boys were “not in school” and at the skatepark.

That was irritating enough, but one of the Officers then went on to say “I’m not sure, but I think homeschooled children need to be home during school hours.”

In my best Homeschooler for Political and Other Reasons Voice, I said “Officer _________, I *am* sure. You’ll need to check your ordinances because that assumption is incorrect”.

They wanted me to stay so that another Officer could arrive and take information to log the injury. Um, no? Kids get injured and into their parents vehicle all the time at that park without an incident report. I was not staying and making us late for Spanish.

On the way to get popsicles (my method of nursing for lip injuries), I called the Texas Homeschool Coalition, “just in case”. Officer __________ had called my home for “just a report” by the time I got home 20 minutes later. I did call him back. He asked if I “knew my driver’s license number”.

No.

“Do you have it handy?”

“Yes”

“Um, will you give it to me?”

“No.”

“It’s only a report for our log”

“If it’s only a report, my dl# won’t be needed”.

Isn’t there a *crime* they can be investigating?

Brochure

I now have a brochure to print detailing my Parenting Coaching services.

I also have a resume that might interest you.

Private Giggle

I now have GOYBP business cards. I gave out my first ones today.

The first went to my former therapist (I’d use her now, actually, but my health insurance doesn’t cover mental health).

The second went to my son’s therapist.

I find that very funny.

New Place for New Stuff

I’ve added a new page to my discipline site for new items, tips, posts and ideas.

Phew.

A Day in the Life of the HappilyMarried Happy Homeschooler

I picked up my kids from a sleepover (one in trade since I’ll be watching her kids this week overnight) plus an additional.

Today, I was one of the organizers for the “All Church Birthday Party” after worship. We divided the year into quarters, decorated each quarter for a celebration using events that fall into their quarter, fed 100+ people, played trivia, pin the tail on the donkey, sang Happy Birthday.

Oh, and I reconvened my Contemporary Issues Adult Bible Study Class after our summer break. I introduced the curriculum (eclectic and budget friendly, just like I do at home) and got caught up on the life and prayer needs of my class. I used to teach in Chandler, AZ, using Faithlink. It’s Methodist, but us Presbyterians are pretty open minded.

Cleaned up after the after church event, went to Blockbuster in search of “Facing the Giants” to show tonight at my home for the kick off event of our new Jr. High Youth Fellowship. (Kick off …. get it if you’ve seen the movie?). Dropped one child home to be picked up later, met another one at my home to supervise until her mom gets home.

Located the missing headset since last night, found the one working remote so my oldest could “Watch the game”.

It’s 2:15. I have about 2 minutes before I’ll want to get the house in order so a bunch of kids can come over and mess it up.

New Article and My Space

I cut and paste a new article from my space account to my discipline pages.

BTW, I started My Space to keep track of my son’s.

Things That Should Not Have Been Re-Done

The movie Halloween
The movie The Shining
The song “Another Brick in the Wall”
The movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (dons armour)
The song “Take a Look at My Girlfriend”

Remakes the Happy Homeschooler Approves of

The song “Lean on Me”
Dawn of the Dead

Come To My Other Room

I posted on my More Jo blog a plea for questions for my newsletter. I also posted about a completely flabberghasting Q & A I read tonight from Family Circle.

Family-ing Rules

I’m often asked for “the rules of my family”.

I don’t have any.

I have read various rules offered by published authors, teachers, parents.

I’ve adopted 3 Principles instead.

1) Respect for people

2) Respect for property

3) Respect for resources (which is a variant on principle one and two)

In my opinion, these grow with along with the family’s maturity and cover nearly every situaiton that might require coaching, direction, disicpline or correction.

They work if your child is too. Hitting others does not show “respect for people”. Drawing on walls does not show “respect for property”. Dumping cereal all over the floor does not show respect for resources (although the dogs might disagree).

At 5, using potty words does not show respect for people. Taking apart your brother’s lego creation doesn’t show respect for property. Not wanting to play quietly while Mom finishes changing a diaper doesn’t show respect for resources (Mom’s time is a resource).

At 12, making prank phone calls from a friends’ cell phone shows disrespect for all 3 principles. Ask me how I know.

Living Happily With Kids

Learning to live happily with kids is a skill that needs to be taught, learned and practiced. It’s not a natural skill to most people. When people meet me and discover I’m a former daycare owner, parenting/discipline teacher and homeschooling mom of my own and other kids they assume I’m a “kid person”. I’m not. Frankly, I prefer my own company or that of other adults. Kids often annoy, bore and irritate me.

But I made a few and God called me to be with them in a certain lifestyle and I honor His call to embrace that life the best I can.

So, I learned how to live happily with kids. And that means learning how to live with the mess, noise, neediness, chaos, activity, transitions and other issues that kids present.

Structure, predictability and routine are your friends. It gives younger kids confidence (and sets the tone for their best-able behavior). It creates good habits for older kids. It gives you a sense of accomplishment. Do many things in the same order each day (not necessarily tied to a clock, but in the same order). Let the routine be the discipliner. Use routines for getting ups, going to beds, hygiene, eating, chores and school.

Self care and marriage/relationship care - It is vital, absolutely vital that you nourish your own soul in a way that *works for you*. Whether that is a night out with Hubby or the girls or a night tucked in a corner of a used bookstore, pen the time in and do it!

Insist that kids do their part. When they are 2 and want to help, don’t send them away to play so you can get it done. Because when they are 8 and really *can* help, you will have trained them that Mom does the housework and they play.

Be playful with your kids. I didn’t say *play* with them (that’s torture for me). But playful. Be physically playful, playful with rituals. Playful with words. Joke. Tousle hair. Open up the front door and shout “Look, neighbors! I’m giving my 12 year old son a hug in public”. Take a 3 year old by the ankles and shake the grumpies out. Being playful creates a mood, fosters feelings of love.

Lighten up. Honestly. How many 16 year olds do you see in diapers, not reading, making fart sounds with their armpits, not sitting at the dinner table? We impose adult thinking and motive on children so young, so early, so inappropriately. They will learn the basic rules of society and etiquette (in any adequate home) whether we follow the punishment/discipline protocol of “X” book or guru, or not. Truly. You can spank them out of running into the street, redirect them out of it, or harness them out of it. And they will stop running into the street the moment they are developmentally ready regardless. Smile more at your kids. Make eye contact when they aren’t “in trouble” more often then when they are.

If a behavior seriously bothers you, stop it long before it ignites your trigger. Make sure you don’t have too many of those; if you have more than a few, you need additional help/support.

Know age expected behavior. I call it age expected rather than age-appropriate because it’s often not appropriate. But if we know many/most kids that age go through that stage, we are more able to discipline rather than over-punish.

Worry less about formal academics early on. My youngest is the furthest “along” for his age than my other 2 and I’ve done the least with him. Read to, cuddle with, engage with, talk to the littles. They WILL LEARN.

Rituals. Rituals bring joy and life and care and memories. We have lots of physical, eating, verbal and banter rituals that sustain us. Having those helped us get through many tough years, including the marriage that lead to a divorce.

Check yourself: Are you feeling joy elsewhere? To what degree? If so, why there and not at home? If not, is it possible you are depressed, clinically?

Good food, sleep, exercise, affection and sex are helpful and part of good self care.

Community, family, friends, fellowship is important. It’s not so much that it takes a village to raise your kids for you. It takes a village of sorts (intentional, in many cases) to minimize stress, assist the family, provide areas of service and care.

Know and try to accommodate everyone’s extrovert/introvert style.

Finally, and I frankly hope no one reading needs to know this…….If you are consistently unable to enjoy and open up to happiness, look at the larger picture of your life, and the people in it. Look at your health, your marriage, addiction possibilities, abuse issues or unresolved issues from the past.

Help! My 9 to 13 Year Old is Driving Me Crazy!

On recent message forums and over the years, I’ve seen many posts of desperate moms regarding their 9 - 13 year old son. Here is one response I’ve recently posted.

Note: My oldest presents some challenges. Between being the oldest, my expectations of him, the mistakes I made with him, the first marriage, separation, divorce, me having basically run a daycare his whole life, and his genetics? Well, it’s not been easy. Starting around 9, he developed a propensity to having a mouth, the last year attitude has increased, and I observed some thinking and processing that disturbed me. We’ve had some serious bullying with him and even holding people hostage with his anger; making daily life all about him, always in a negative way.

I’m sharing this, possibly regretfully, so that you don’t think I’m posting with “great discipline ideas” that don’t apply to real families with real problems.

He is seeing a therapist.

If you have an out of control, challenging son of this age range, read on. The child I’m writing about has had some moderate to severe bullying issues.

I’d approach this proactively and responsively. Responsively is the word I use when the issue/behavior is happening and you have to do something about it.

Responsively:

Tell him that you will not allow him to abuse anyone. That due to his behavior, he’s chosen a “zero chance” response from you. At the first bullying/abusive word or action, he’s chosen to be removed from the situation because 1) you will keep people safe from his behavior and 2) you are going to teach him the standard for appropriate interaction. That means you’ll take him out of the game, a restaurant, playing chess, church, whatever.

Tell him directly and in front of whoever is there: You’ve made a choice to be removed. Inform his teachers, coaches, other adults of the zero tolerance policy. Let the sudden, consistent and complete removal be the consequence. Remember, your additional consequences haven’t worked.

Yes, tomato stake. By that I mean he’s chosen to stay close to you because he’s lost - through his behavior - the privileges of autonomy that come with his age *and* appropriate behavior. He gave that up with his continued choices. To be granted independent, age wanted autonomy, he needs an extended period of time where you see him trying to make better choices, a willingness to stop and “do over”, amends.

However, I would not make the tomato staking uncomfortable, chore-ridden, or negative. I’d start with the proactive areas.

Get him outside, professional help.

Start a program of connection with him. It’s likely your like and affection for him has deteriorated and the disconnect between you grown. Regardless of his behavior, you are responsible for healing that rift. The way to do that is to begin an intentional and deliberate program of connection, affection, joy, playfulness. Plan it out; schedule it. Use post it notes, prayer, cyber-reminders. Whatever it takes for you to build your relationship on positive interaction; regardless of his past or his behavior. He’s asking “Do you love me” and “Do you like me” and the answer has GOT to be yes. If you haven’t already, read the love books by Dr. Ross Campbell and follow them. (He has one on teens and also one on angry kids).

Drop unrelated punishment. Drop arbitrary punishment. It isn’t helping and indeed is likely to be fueling his off thinking. He can feel resentful and justified.

Simultaneous with the connection and rebuild of the relationship, remember he’s wanting to learn how to be a man. You can’t teach him how to do that. (Norm Wakefield has some good stuff on this one). 9 - 13 is a known very hard time for many boys/parents, especially moms. One of the reasons is the extended adolescence our way of life has now. He’s looking for ways to express his growing manhood. Finding few, he’s expressing it inappropriately. You need to find as many appropriate ways as your life can afford without making him the center of everything. (Which would be “bad”) Baseball, well coached, is a good way to channel that energy, providing structure and a vehicle to express the varying emotions. That’s why I don’t impoverish children’s lives by taking away things like sports. It backfires in more than one way.

Find ways to channel his energy that are man centered and make sure there are men to teach him.

If you haven’t already, teach him that anger is fine, but there are limits to the way it can be expressed. Together with his therapist, learn appropriate ways for him to process the emotion and also to limit the thinking that fuels anger.

It’s my sense this started as normal “boy at that age” stuff. Maybe this old thread will help you?

Old thread about boys this age.

Now, while I don’t agree with unrelated punishment/consequences, I do think that influences that exacerbate the behavior need to be removed until the child demonstrates competency with behavior. Screens in general, certain friends, language/attitude influences, etc can be a part of the package that makes up challenges and for that reason, should be looked at individually not as punishment but as *management* for his and others’ benefit.

Read that thread above and make the choice to partner *with* him. Tell him you’ll help him stop the bullying cycle. Barbara Coloroso has a book on bullying that may help. I like her work but haven’t gotten to that one yet.

Write a contract outlining your expectations of appropriate behavior and with his mouth and body. Spell out the consequences of leaving, limiting. Let him know in writing you all sign that you will protect the ones being picked on and protect him from being allowed to continue down the road he’s chosen. (I do have a contract with my son that has been part of the turn around.)

But, I say this heartfully, this won’t work if you don’t connect/recover FIRST and the continued efforts at punishment don’t stop.

Children like this also need to learn some perspective on their value, role, gifts and blessings. Get him involved in service work. Don’t do it out of an adversarial place and don’t lecture. Do it together, make it a positive. He’ll “get” the rest without discussion.

Increase the amount of positive alternatives. Movies, events, etc with wholesome behavior, language and intents would do far more than another privilege taken away.

While I know he is doing this deliberately, don’t assume he knows what is a power/bullying play all the time or where the lines are. You will probably have to impose a complete “no touch” and “no playful teasing” rule with him for a period of time because he’s not honoring (or doesn’t have) internal boundaries about when to stop. However, *teach* and *coach* him while firmly removing him. Tell him “You called him a name and that is unacceptable.” “You used your verbal power over him, that is bullying”. Be clear; do not defend or debate or discuss, but give him the information as to exactly where he crossed the line.

Since he’s been pushing it for years, you’ll need to draw the line *very* tight; he’s been begging for real boundaries so he can feel safe.

Have you read any of my stuff on being a firm mom?

Link to my words on being a firm mom.

Start a prayer journal and/or a gratitude journal. Keep a running notebook for your communication with him. Email him. Don’t offer non descript praise; but offer genuine feedback. One I recently was happy to write was thanking my son for mowing the back lawn and how it made me feel happy to come home and see he had done it unprompted.

If friends or places seem to make him “more” challenging, eliminate them.

Give him scripts to try again, do over and make amends.

Find out if he needs space to process or if he needs interaction; make that happen for him.

Bean Dip! (Homeschool Recipe)

I’ve been passing around bean dip on the net for a few years. It was originally written for attachment parenting and alternative medical choice. I’ve revised it for homeschoolers who are facing varying levels of hostility towards their choices.

As an interesting related note, I find it telling that the spell check on my AOL email does not recognize “breastfeeding” or “homeschooling”. That fact, in and of itself, is why bean dip is so needed.
Bean Dip:

I wanted to offer my “bean dip strategy” for homeschooling.

It’s something I’ve learned in my years of parenting using alternative ideas. The specifics may change, but the principal doesn’t. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

In setting boundaries, we don’t need to convince the other person we are right and they don’t have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

Here is an example:

I’ve found new moms often confuse boundaries and trying to convince someone of the *rightness* of their choices. They will send articles, links, books, cite statistics. All of these things send the message: this is up for debate and discussion, I may be swayed by you.

The best thing is to assert your boundary and *not* try to defend your choice. No books, articles, links, etc. If the person feels strongly enough *they* can initiate getting some information.

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a “need to know” basis. Most people don’t “need to know.”
Question: “What about socialization?” Answer: Got that covered, thanks! Want some bean dip?

Question:”They will need to function in the real world” Answer: “Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?”

“What about college?” Answer: “Yes, our children will be going. Thanks! Want some bean
dip?”

Now, with some people you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). If it’s a pattern of intrusion, for example. Practice kind but firm responses:

“I know you love us and the children. We are so glad. Our education choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again”

Don’t confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New HSing moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. New HSing parents often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to “defend” themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don’t defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. “We are quite comfortable with our choices. Want some bean dip?”

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply “I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the children. I’ll parent the child - you enjoy them. Let’s not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room.”

One thing I want to add is to *carefully* chose who you vent/rant to about parenting issues. Homeschooling is like breastfeeding in a way. Normal struggles get blamed and dumped on homeschooling (like normal baby/adjustment issues get blamed on breastfeeding). People will attribute parenting issues to the fact of your homeschooling. The more aggressive/hostile ones will deliberately capitalize on the opportunity and will use your parenting challenge as a way to force their anti Homeschool agenda. So, be very selective who you talk to about the specifics on your life.

Bean Dip! (AP Style)

Bean Dip for AP parents:

The holidays include many hours with family. This can be a wonderful time. For new parents, however, it can also be a stressful time. New parents often feel their decisions are being scrutinized, debated and judged. My years as a mother (and one who has made some alternative choices) have taught me a few helpful things. One is how to deal with overly concerned and inquisitive family members.
The specifics will vary from family to family, but the principle behind the strategy remains constant. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

In setting boundaries, we don’t need to convince the other person you are right and they don’t have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

Here is an example:

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a “need to know” basis. Most people don’t “need to know”. If asked “how is the baby sleeping?” Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

“Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?” Answer: “Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?”

“When do you plan to wean” Answer: “When she’s ready. Thanks! Want some bean dip?” The majority of people will stop at that point. However, some others, for reasons of concern or poor boundaries, will continue.
In that case, you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). Practice kind but firm responses:

“I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleeping choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again.”

Also, don’t confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to “defend” themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don’t defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. “The doctor is in support of our choices. Want some bean dip?

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply “I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I’ll parent the baby - you enjoy them. Let’s not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room.” I’d like to add one more suggestion. I know there are areas you feel absolutely convinced of your decisions. It might be that you believe in your baby’s birthright of breastfeeding or your son’s right to an intact penis. Never offer unsolicited advice, opinions, books, links or articles. To do so is a violation, no matter how “right” you may be. If we want our inboxes free from Ezzo endorsements, anti family bed propaganda from the Juvenile Products Coalition and weaning articles, we need to respect the right of others to make their choices.

Connect Before You Correct

“All children need a laptop. Not a computer, but a human laptop. Moms, Dads, grannies and grandpas, aunts, uncles – someone to hold them, read to them, teach them. Loved ones who will embrace them and pass on the experience, rituals and knowledge of a hundred previous generations. Loved ones who will pass to the next generation their expectations of them, their hopes and their dreams.”
General Colin L. Powell, Founder of America’s Promise – The Alliance for Youth

A key concept in building an EPP home is that you “connect before you correct”. This idea and suggestion follows the reasons I suggest abandoning the reliance on punishment as a primary or frequent parenting tool.

Using “Connect before you correct” as a parenting principle might present another challenge to your internal parenting dialogue. First, I suggest you eliminate or limit punishment. Now I’m here to suggest that you use humor, affection, ritual, and other positive relationship builders before you correct your child.

I know what you are thinking. “Are you suggesting that I reward misbehavior and reinforce it with positive attention?”

No, absolutely not.

I’m suggesting and asserting two things:

1) You can’t spoil a child with love or the symbols, gestures and affirmations of love

2) Children will learn best when in right relationship with you and the world around them

You Can’t Spoil a Child With Love

It’s not a radical concept that children need to know and experience the feeling of unconditional love from their parents. However, our culture is hyper focused on the risk of spoiling children that we often withhold symbols of that love in an effort to create better behavior or stop inappropriate behavior.

How often, when seeking parenting advice over a particular topic have you been given the advice “Hug them”? You rarely hear that advice because we tend to accept without examination the idea that a positive interaction during a moment of misbehavior will reinforce the misbehavior.

As a result of believing this assumption, we end up withholding gestures that communicate love.

Dr. Ross Campbell, a practicing psychologist who authored several excellent books on the topic of children and love, speaks eloquently on the distinction between a child being loved (most are) and feeling loved (many don’t). He talks about the absolutely, fundamental and primary need children have to feel loved and in right relationship with their parents. His metaphor of “filled love tanks” provides an excellent image through which we can begin to understand how children are best set up to behave and utilize their best behavior and resources.

Dr. Jane Nelsen, a noted and excellent author on the topic of Positive Discipline, says it succinctly “Children who feel better, do better.”

Many times in my own helping of families, I have seen negative dynamics, chronic inappropriate behavior and challenging situations turned around with only a program of connection.

Focusing on connection does many things for your family and has a synergistic effect. When you focus first on connection, you help your child be able to hear your later words of correction. They are assured of your care, love and concern. You remove the worry that they’ve lost status in relationship. You provide the unconditional safety net so they can accept correction knowing that it is correction of their behavior; not of their personhood.

Focusing on connection especially helps a dynamic that’s been negative for a period of time. Focusing on connection after a prolonged (and it doesn’t take long) negative span of days helps the child feel better and helps you feel better about the child. You will literally have a better reaction when the child does do wrong and your child will do wrong less by virtue of feeling better. It’s the remedy to the negative dynamic.
Focusing on connection is restorative, proactive and positive.

Children will learn best when in right relationship with you and the world around them

When children feel insecure or out of right relationship with you, they are unable to gain access and consistently utilize their maximum maturity, impulse control, “listen ability” and ability to do better.

When they perceive a break in the relationship, a question in the interaction, a pause in the love, they feel insecure and threatened. At this juncture to expect learning is unfair for them an exercise in frustration for you.

I’m not suggesting that you be happy about the misbehavior, that you adopt a syrupy sweet tone or that you try to “nice” your child into compliance.

I’m merely suggesting that affirming love and the relationship makes the chances of discipline working better and diminishes the likelihood of continued misbehavior less.

Let’s Not Talk About Spanking

My youngest son was a hitter. From about 18 months until 3, he frequent hit, or at least tried to hit other children in play situations.

I remember taking my 3 kids to a pizza establishment with games, activity and lots of people. Knowing my youngest, I stuck close by him preventing contact with others. It was still obvious to others his intention was to hit, even though I managed to prevent it.

There were two moms sitting at a table. They were each mothers of one early toddler. Their toddlers were happily strapped into seats, munching happily on pizza. They watched me trail my preschooler with deepening looks of horror registering on their faces. Their leaned in closer bodies, direction of their eyes and general body language were not hard to decipher. It was clear they were talking about my son and I.
I guarantee they were saying one of two things:

1) He’s like that because she doesn’t spank him
Or
2) He’s like that because she spanks him

That’s the irony of “the spanking issue” in Western culture. There are those who believe in it wholeheartedly, use it often, can’t imagine parenting without it and assume non spankers are permissive. These parents often evaluate non spankers through the paradigm of “kids need spanking” and judge normal childhood behavior as though the absence of spanking created it. The other side is often so against the corporal punishment of children they assume spanking equals abuse, the “it never works” and that parents who spank are inferior. These type of non spankers often attribute childhood behaviors to the fact that the parents spank. “He must have learned hitting from his parents.”

EPP (Effective Practical Parenting) is not about spanking or not spanking. The presence or absence of spanking as a discipline tool offers little in terms of being able to evaluate the quality of discipline in a home. The fact that a family spanks does not mean they have effective discipline. The absence of spanking in a home does not suggest the absence of discipline.

Spanking is not the issue. Not spanking is not the issue.

The issue is that children require a lot of time, attention, direction and guidance. They require this *regardless* of discipline choices. The further truth is that even if you include spanking (or other forms of punishment), you will need to include the tools of EPP in order to be an effective, good parent.

I’ll say it again. The focus on *spanking* or *not spanking* misses the mark and obscures the real issue. EPP isn’t about “not spanking”. It’s parenting in a manner that teaches, encourages, guides, corrects and assists children into maturity while helping them meet the family standard for behavior.

The purpose of this site and my book is to outline exactly how to execute and cultivate a home where Effective Practical Parenting is in place. Parents who use this style realize that discipline isn’t merely a list of tools used; rather, it’s a relationship, a lifestyle and a way of thinking about the nature of children and life with children.

Tools vary, often according to the personality of the child. Effective Practical Parenting is characterized by using proactive tools to create a positive family atmosphere and it utilizes kind and firm ways to enforce rules. EPP understands age appropriate behaviors and doesn’t punish for them. Instead, a parent using EPP will stop the inappropriate behavior and teach an appropriate behavior in its place. An EPP family will work actively with their children to develop self control, while enforcing reasonable boundaries of behavior.

Effective Practical Parenting works. Because it is kind, respectful and firm, children are shown respect and are taught tools for managing their behavior. A parent partners with the child to teach them life skills and to help develop the habits of self control.

Let’s be honest, and above all, practical. Quality discipline combines knowledge of age appropriate behaviors, reasonable standards, clear expectations, proactive discipline and consistency. Anything less is not effective discipline. Let’s remove the “extremes” of how the discipline pendulum swings: from the heavily punitive parenting in which parents punish and fail to teach positively, to the pleading, requesting, passive parenting in which parents never establish or enforce rules of conduct.

In the middle is the parent who says “stop that” or “do this” and makes it happen. In the middle is the parent who looks at the toddler on the dining room table and removes them while also thinking “This child likes to climb. How can I make that happen safely?” That middle parent may or may not punish. But that (good) parent takes both a proactive approach and a responsive approach to the discipline challenges they face. That parent uses a bare minimum of physical punishment, if any, but lots of physical redirection in the younger years. Good parenting looks very similar, even if the parent uses punishment. If a good parent uses punishment, it’s not often - not daily, or even weekly. However, that parent disciplines frequently.

Effective Practical Parenting ideas can be used in a home that also reserves punishment as an option. Although EPP is best utilized in the absence of punishment, it can be incorporated into the approach you currently use. As you practice EPP, I believe (and certainly expect) that you’ll see the “need” for punishment diminish or disappear entirely.

Let’s Not Talk About Spanking

My youngest son was a hitter. From about 18 months until 3, he frequent hit, or at least tried to hit other children in play situations.

I remember taking my 3 kids to a pizza establishment with games, activity and lots of people. Knowing my youngest, I stuck close by him preventing contact with others. It was still obvious to others his intention was to hit, even though I managed to prevent it.

There were two moms sitting at a table. They were each mothers of one early toddler. Their toddlers were happily strapped into seats, munching happily on pizza. They watched me trail my preschooler with deepening looks of horror registering on their faces. Their leaned in closer bodies, direction of their eyes and general body language were not hard to decipher. It was clear they were talking about my son and I.
I guarantee they were saying one of two things:

1) He’s like that because she doesn’t spank him
Or
2) He’s like that because she spanks him

That’s the irony of “the spanking issue” in Western culture. There are those who believe in it wholeheartedly, use it often, can’t imagine parenting without it and assume non spankers are permissive. These parents often evaluate non spankers through the paradigm of “kids need spanking” and judge normal childhood behavior as though the absence of spanking created it. The other side is often so against the corporal punishment of children they assume spanking equals abuse, the “it never works” and that parents who spank are inferior. These type of non spankers often attribute childhood behaviors to the fact that the parents spank. “He must have learned hitting from his parents.”

EPP is not about spanking or not spanking. The presence or absence of spanking as a discipline tool offers little in terms of being able to evaluate the quality of discipline in a home. The fact that a family spanks does not mean they have effective discipline. The absence of spanking in a home does not suggest the absence of discipline.

Spanking is not the issue. Not spanking is not the issue.

The issue is that children require a lot of time, attention, direction and guidance. They require this *regardless* of discipline choices. The further truth is that even if you include spanking (or other forms of punishment), you will need to include the tools of EPP in order to be an effective, good parent.

I’ll say it again. The focus on *spanking* or *not spanking* misses the mark and obscures the real issue. EPP isn’t about “not spanking”. It’s parenting in a manner that teaches, encourages, guides, corrects and assists children into maturity while helping them meet the family standard for behavior.

The purpose of this site and my book is to outline exactly how to execute and cultivate a home where Effective Practical Parenting is in place. Parents who use this style realize that discipline isn’t merely a list of tools used; rather, it’s a relationship, a lifestyle and a way of thinking about the nature of children and life with children.

Tools vary, often according to the personality of the child. Effective Practical Parenting is characterized by using proactive tools to create a positive family atmosphere and it utilizes kind and firm ways to enforce rules. EPP understands age appropriate behaviors and doesn’t punish for them. Instead, a parent using EPP will stop the inappropriate behavior and teach an appropriate behavior in its place. An EPP family will work actively with their children to develop self control, while enforcing reasonable boundaries of behavior.

Effective Practical Parenting works. Because it is kind, respectful and firm, children are shown respect and are taught tools for managing their behavior. A parent partners with the child to teach them life skills and to help develop the habits of self control.

Let’s be honest, and above all, practical. Quality discipline combines knowledge of age appropriate behaviors, reasonable standards, clear expectations, proactive discipline and consistency. Anything less is not effective discipline. Let’s remove the “extremes” of how the discipline pendulum swings: from the heavily punitive parenting in which parents punish and fail to teach positively, to the pleading, requesting, passive parenting in which parents never establish or enforce rules of conduct.

In the middle is the parent who says “stop that” or “do this” and makes it happen. In the middle is the parent who looks at the toddler on the dining room table and removes them while also thinking “This child likes to climb. How can I make that happen safely?” That middle parent may or may not punish. But that (good) parent takes both a proactive approach and a responsive approach to the discipline challenges they face. That parent uses a bare minimum of physical punishment, if any, but lots of physical redirection in the younger years. Good parenting looks very similar, even if the parent uses punishment. If a good parent uses punishment, it’s not often - not daily, or even weekly. However, that parent disciplines frequently.

Effective Practical Parenting ideas can be used in a home that also reserves punishment as an option. Although EPP is best utilized in the absence of punishment, it can be incorporated into the approach you currently use. As you practice EPP, I believe (and certainly expect) that you’ll see the “need” for punishment diminish or disappear entirely.